Today is the first time that I have chosen to write on this blog since October 2nd 2019. That is the day that my beloved, my best friend, my husband left this earth. It was sudden. Within a matter of minutes he was gone. There was no warning. He was tired and had come through a grueling work schedule for a man of 71. He was an attorney and had been a warrior for those of less fortune, all of his adult life. My 4 year old granddaughter said, ” Grandma, I think Grandpa ran out of energy”. I believe to my core, she was right. I was with him when he left this earth, and will be eternally grateful he was not alone.
There is no way to describe those first few months after he died. I simply was in shock. We are this amazing system, within a system within a system. We have the ability to immediately go in to a place of safety, for the totality of the situation would have been too much for me to bare. He was my joy, my beginning and my ending. He made me laugh like no other and was the most interesting man I had ever met. He was complicated as we all are, private and serious, yet would love nothing more than to play tea time with our granddaughters. He was and will forever be my Imzadi.
I took some time off, what I called Spiritual Maintenance. I needed to gain my bearings, to have time to reflect and see how this next chapter was to be written. At first I felt I was on a blank page between two chapters. Hovering over the page, not knowing what to write, what it is suppose to look like, what to do. And then I realized that was the chapter.
The chapter of not knowing. I have never liked that chapter. I have written about it many times. That space between knowing and not knowing. That space where the new possibilities lay. I was comfortable with my old life. I did not want to look at what this new life would look like without my husband a part of it. I have the capability of hovering in that life way too long. Circling over my life instead of living it. I was comfortable there. Like a drone, I could buzz in and check on your life, but I was not ready to look at mine. It was less painful that way and I could put off reality. I did not have to make any decisions. But life happens whether we are making plans or not. And I, as well as the rest of the world was not ready for what was to happen next. A pandemic.
So I made some decisions. I could look at this as an opportunity to really get to know myself or I could use this as an opportunity to continue to hover and not really deal with this situation we now find ourselves in. We do not have control over what is happening to us, I do have control of how I respond to it. I have chosen the first one. I am ready to take off the shield of protectiveness that has kept me safe and secluded in my own thoughts and walk slowly in to this new space of:
” Roxanne meet Roxanne. She’s used to helping other people by holding the space for them to walk in to their best selves. She has trained and become certified and skilled at knowing the questions to be asked and be open to hearing the answers waiting to be heard. She’s known for saying those things needing to be said, with no BS or political correctness. She’s fierce in her devotion to being real and raw and is known for her belief that we are blessed to be living in a time where we are given so much to support this growth and change. That being in a good relationship whether it is an intimate relationship or friendship is not being with the right person, it is being the best person you can be in that relationship. And that if we have the courage to do the work, we can live a wholehearted life. I think you might really like her if you would spend some time with her. 🙂 “
So in listening to the better and healthier version of myself I have opened the vulnerability closet, and am venturing in to see what awaits.
I will be doing updates on both my blog and my FB site for Erdahl Coaching. I hope you will join me. There are some exciting things happening in the midst of this pain and suffering. We are being presented with a level of vulnerability I have not experienced in my lifetime. There are many doors closing as new ones will be opening up. I look forward to the conversations and the new possibilities waiting for all of us. My prayers and love go with each of you as we walk this journey together. There is nothing easy about any of this. The goal is for us all to come out on the other end wiser and more in touch with the best versions of ourselves.
Always in Gratitude and Grace,