Yesterday I found myself being triggered by a conversation. I was aware that I was triggered, but reationalized that it was okay because of the other person's comments and what I believed was their intent. So I stewed for a few hours and decided I would regroup in the morning. This morning, I was still in that state of anger and frustration, It was a place I have been before, but not for a very long time. The interesting thing was in observing myself, I really did not want to be there. But the monkey chatter in my mind continued and as I could feel myself slipping back in to that place of resentment, I noticed a book I have gone to many times on the table in front of me. The book is called The Book of Awakening, by Mark Nepo. This is a book that has helped me to keep my "head high , my heart open, and my feet on the ground". It is a year's supply of daily inspiration. I have given this book out to many of my friends over the years.
When I turned to the page for today, the title was When We Squint.It reminded me that there is this perception that when things get tough, when we are hurt or feel unheard we tend to dig in. With that digging in we can get aggressive and take on the mindset of resentment as well as the body is on high alert preparing for what is next. That is where the tiger analogy came in. Tigers when they are on a hunt squint to have better eyesight. It allows them to hone in and see only their prey. We too can squint when we are angry or hurt. As Mark says, it is that the story we begin to spin, in that we think we need to feel protected, but what exactly are we protecting ourselves from. When we squint, we also lose vision of what else might be in front of us. We are so focused on a perceived slight or misunderstanding, we lose sight of the much needed self compassion to move through what is causing us to feel so disheartened. When we too see the world only through the slits in our eyes, we can not see what we really need, which is to tap in to our love language. We are not able to tap into our "heart's eye".
I had to laugh as the universe and Mr. Nepo once again gave me that nugget of language to allow me to soften in to what I really wanted. Sometimes those that you want to hear and see you simply can't. So the lesson for me is to remember when I get triggered and feel hurt, not to squint. But to take a deep breath and allow myself to see through my heart's eye.